For the last day of September 2014 I am keeping it real with a quite revealing post about myself personally. No one is perfect and though I’ve put a lot of effort into improving myself over the last two years, I haven’t got everything right. I am tackling a new problem but with that comes the realization that we cannot expect perfection … just progress.
It’s been just over two years since I walked out of my corporate job. Much has happened since then.
- I had a lot of anger and resentment to rid myself of
- I started a blog (this one) to help me sort through my emotions and rediscover who I was
- I discovered a love of photography and signed up to do a Diploma in Professional Photography
- + more personal development issues I have worked through and some I’m still working on
At the moment, I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Ridiculous isn’t it. I don’t work for anyone. I am my own boss … but I am the hardest boss to work for EVER! I have such high expectations of myself. I am far too perfectionistic in nature and I am incredibly hard on myself. I feel like I have SO much to do. I just need to remember that I don’t need to do it all at once. I need to learn to break things down into manageable chunks and not to carry ALL jobs on my shoulders at all times like an enormous all-consuming burden. I also must remember to stop and reflect on just how far I have come – and I have come a long way!
- Firstly, I have a house to keep in order! Even though my kids are older, they all still live at home – so I’m still washing clothes and cooking for five (5) people!
- I have one last assignment to complete for my photography course. It involves submitting a portfolio of six (6) images – all within the same genre of photography. They must be my best work and I will have to explain why I think they are my best work, along with answering many other questions. I know this assignment is going to draw out my perfectionistic nature and I will agonize over my final six images at great length. I only have until 24 October to get this assignment done OR I will have to pay $$’s for an extension. At present, I feel the pressure to get out and about on some field trips to collect photographs with my new camera in order to have some good fodder for my final six photographs. Many things have prevented me getting out and about – some are real valid reasons and some are excuses I have made. I have procrastinated – for reasons you will understand better as you read on.
- I have spent a lot of money $$ lately towards my photography business and spending money stresses me, particularly when I am not earning any money!
- $kaching – I have bought a new camera, new lenses and some peripherals. I have had a logo designed. I registered the business name and now have an ABN. I have got myself a PO Box.
- $kaching – I bought the domain names for margueritelouisephotography (.com and .com.au). I need to get a photography website created. I have found someone to create both the photography website and the planned new blog.
- #kaching – I will start with the new blog first and hold off on the photography website for a little bit I think.
- #kaching – I have bought the domain name for the new blog (same as before .com and .com.au) and I have paid for web hosting for the new blog and the new photography website. I will be going self-hosted for the new blog.
- #kaching – I still need to have business cards printed. I will want some just with my photography business on them and then I will want some double sided ones with blog one side and photography business the other
- … the spending goes on and on and on but you’ve gotta spend money in order to make money … right?
- I have been on a huge learning curve outside of my photography studies.
- The photography studies include very little on how to use Adobe Photoshop, however this is an essential skill in photography. When you shoot in RAW as I do, editing is essential and understanding how to edit is very important. So, I have been watching YouTube tutorials, reading books (I highly recommend Scott Kelby books to anyone interested in learning more about Digital Photography and/or Photoshop) and am soon going to be participating in some eLearning classes with the local Photoshop guru Damien Symonds.
- I’ve signed up for the FREE Kidspot eLearning Blogger’s Masterclass series which start tomorrow and run every Wednesday for five (5) weeks. What a fabulous opportunity! I am so looking forward to each and every class!
- Now here is the biggie. This is the reality check and why I have needed to reassess my priorities. This has become my priority above all else. I HAVE BECOME OBESE. It’s the awful truth. I have kept the revealing of this fact as a dot point hidden away within this post because I am ashamed. I am ashamed but I am coming clean and declaring it to you all and for that I am proud. How did this happen? Well:
- All that time learning, studying, researching, watching YouTube tutorials, practicing editing techniques in Photoshop, and blogging has meant a lot of time at my computer.
- My activity has been sporadic – not consistent. I started walking every day with my dog Ava and then got sick for several weeks. I’ve yet to resume the habit.
- The last two years have seen me go through some tough times and face a few personal challenges. I resisted the medical suggestion of going on anti-depressants for one whole year (because of the fear of weight gain and also because I wanted to be drug free!) before I finally relented a year ago during a particularly tough period, in the hope they would give me a little helping hand. They made me start gaining weight immediately – as I had predicted. I went off those ages ago but the damage was already done.
- Some time back, I revealed how back in October 2009 I gave up smoking by sucking on Nicobate Lozenges and that I had become addicted to the lozenges (here is the post I speak of). I also revealed that those lozenges had been recalled from the shelves. I went cold turkey off those lozenges and snacked (more like grazed all day) to fill the void.
- Add all those things together and slowly but surely my weight has crept up so that I am now the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I never imagined that I could or would ever get this heavy. I am only a little person (small boned and just a smidge over 5ft) and am not meant to be this heavy. I cannot move freely. It horrifies me that my health is being affected: my blood pressure is up for the first time ever in my life; a heart murmer has been detected; my left leg aches always and my left foot is in constant pain, I have nausea and reflux issues, and more.
- I resist social activities because there are not many clothes I fit into (barely any) and whatever I do fit into does not look good. I don’t look good. I don’t want to be seen. I am withdrawing. I am missing out.
- I have purged myself of many demons. I have turned my back on the toxic corporate life that was stealing my joy. I’ve dug deep within to explore who I am and what makes me happy. I discovered my love of photography and blogging. I’ve learned the benefits of meditation and mindfulness. By doing all these things I have looked after my mind and spirit but I have not looked after my body. Now it is time to look after my body – and with time – my mind, body and spirit will be in balance which will allow me to become the butterfly I deserve to be (you know what I mean!). Today, I went and sought some help. I am not going to reveal where I went to seek help because I’d prefer not to. Tomorrow, I begin the journey of shedding all the shit I have carried for many, many years which has manifested in the form of horrendous fat on my body. I will begin the metamorphosis from ‘soulless corporate worker Min’ to ‘inspired and mindful photographer and blogger Marguerite’. I am excited. Baby steps … bit by bit … and the real me will be revealed. That reveal will be mega. In fact – it will be worthy of a doozy of a social event where I can wear a pretty outfit and finally feel proud of the new me. It won’t be for a while – but it will happen! 😉
So, as you can see there is much happening in my world. My blogging may be a little sporadic for a little while until things settle down and I’m into a good routine.
I am perfect in my imperfection, a magnificent work in progress
Ciao for now,
Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT